Cry Jesus

I've been crying Jesus a lot lately. First with our rental being sold and us needing to frantically find a house and move in 6 weeks. Jesus!  Next was when the sewer pipes collapsed 3 weeks after we moved in.  Jesus!  Being accused of wrongdoing with no option to defend myself. Lord Jesus I need you now! Marriage, family, bills, disappointment, frustration, fear.........In Jesus name!
Tonight one of my kids was hurting in such a way that I was unable to make it all better. I feel so helpless, I want to fix things, make it right, a do over....anything to take the pain away. Jesus!
I know lessons will be learned, it will all work out in the end, but it's hard to see the end when you are in the middle of the struggle. Jesus I need you!
Father in Heaven can I just crawl in your lap and you can make it all better?  Can you give my child the comfort and peace I am unable to give?  Jesus we need you!

Grief (written last spring after Grandpa N. passed away)

news
sickness
worry
fear
shock
desperation
plans made
plans thwarted
rejection
needing to say goodbye
not allowed
words sent
were they heard
news
gone
sadness
it's too much to bear
lashing out somehow feels right
wanting comfort
finding none
empty words
feeling lost
very lost
wanting normalcy
tears
cold
angry
lost.

The real world has peanut butter

I was making lunches for my girls (Kendra requested pb&j) this morning when I had a thought.  Why hasn't the school banned peanut butter with all the peanut allergies out there?  Then I started to think, the real world has peanut butter.  It has peanut butter and guns and drugs and war and violence and poverty and sickness and financial troubles and divorce and death........We live in an imperfect world and it stinks.  It hurts me to think about the loss of all those kids last month at the hand of a madman.  Madman?  What constitutes being a madman?  Do you have to commit murder to fall under that category or will lying on your taxes do?  Who decides which wrong is ok and which one isn't?  For that matter, who got to decide what was going to be right and what was going to be wrong.  Because if we came from some cosmic spark then what difference does it make?  Why worry about doing the "right thing"?  Who decided what the rules are and why do we have to follow them.  How come you get to eat a burger when your neighbor strongly feels that you are murdering a cow, isn't murder murder no matter who/what the victim is?  How come we get all upset when a human life is taken when that life is just the product of chance, ooze, explosion or whatever your reasoning may be.  What does it matter?  Tree, cow, whale, human....all just chance right?  Or, how about allowing for another possibility?  How about we give credit where credit is due?  How about we acknowledge that we have a Creator who made us to have empathy, concern, love......?  Is it so hard for us to consider the possibility that there is Someone who loves us and wants what is best for us.  If you have kids, don't you feel the same about them?  How silly would it be for your child to ignore you declaring he came from ooze and not from you?  About as silly as a painting saying to Monet "You DID NOT paint me.  I crawled up from the pond after millions of years of sitting in paint and now I am beautiful."  And don't we parents allow our kids wiggle room in life?  We allow them choices, show them there are consequences and teach them the right way to live.  Our Father, Creator, God has done the same for us.  He gave humans the choice to love Him or to reject Him.  He doesn't want love that isn't genuine, the same as we don't want our kids (or significant other) to love us because they have to.  We want love because it is genuine.  We have such strong feelings of hurt, anger and sadness when tragic things happen because we were created in the image of God and because that's how He feels when bad things happen.  He made us to love, live and give  Him credit.

Hey everyone!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  
That's all for now :)

Yep, I did it again.  I waited too long to write and forgot my password AGAIN.  If I could just have one password for everything then maybe I'd remember.  More brain exercises I guess.
Tobin has started feeling empathy, it's sad and cute at the same time.  He was watching Toy Story 2 and was so upset when Wheezy the penguin gets put in the box.  He cried and sobbed until I convinced him that Woody would rescue the penguin.  The next day at daycare he was listening to the story The Big Hungry Bear and the Red Ripe Strawberry.  His teacher said he cried and cried at the end when the bear didn't get any of the strawberry.  I hope he is always this concerned about people as he gets older.
TTFN

Does anyone else hate passwords?  I just spent a half hour trying to get into this blog.  I thought I remembered my password but it turns out I was wrong.  After jumping through 25 thousand hoops I FINALLY got to the "change my password" option, only to find out ALL the passwords that I would remember, I had already "used".  Grrrrr.  I probably won't remember this one which means I may take forever to write on the blog again. 

On a lighter note, Riley had a total God moment today!  She couldn't find her Valleyfair pass last night and was pretty upset.  She called me this morning to say she found it and how she found it.  She said she prayed before she went to sleep last night and then had a dream about where it was.  I LOOKED in the place where she said she found it and I tell you IT WASN'T THERE LAST NIGHT!  I sure love that God cares about us so much that even Valleyfair matters to Him! 

Well, life has proceeded faster than the fastest rollercoaster at Valleyfair.  Summer is over and school is upon us.  That means school supplies, early mornings, two middle schoolers (one will also become an official teenager), a toddler, clutter and no time for much of anything.  Wow!

After working a full day at work, coming home to make dinner, going back for a 2 1/2 hour staff meeting, coming home to do dishes and try to get my toddler back to bed, I'm ready for a glass of whine/wine and a good book.  Too bad I still have cupcakes to make and therefore more dishes to do before that can happen.  Oh well, one day I'll look back on these days with fondness.....right?

Good morning!  Today the sun is shining, my coffee is hot and the house is peaceful.  Soon the coffee will be gone, the children will wake and there will be no more peace....and that's ok.  I am blessed to have 3 healthy children, a husband with a job, a roof over my head and friends & family who love me.  Mostly I am thankful to my Lord and Savior Jesus whom I don't thank enough.
I've changed my blog title to "Tracy's Blue Corner" because "Coffee at Tracy's house at 2:00 on Saturday's" was too long of a title and "Tracy's Corner" was already taken.  Plus it works since we live on a corner and our house is blue.  Hopefully I don't lose any followers.  I wasn't sure how to do it right.
I don't have a plan for the blog so far.  I figured I'd wing it.  I feel like I ought to do another challenge or give great wisdom (ha!) but for now let's just fill up a cup of coffee and chat!  Here's to changes, sunny days and coffee!

Moving

I'm back!  Well, sort of.  Things have been in a state of chaos for the past couple months.  First we pack up to move.  Then we unload.  Then we live in chaos.  Most people pack in an organized way.  You know, dishes in one box labeled "dishes", keepsakes labeled "keepsakes"... you get the idea.  In our case, we shoved, crammed and tossed whatever fit into whatever container was available with no label thus creating chaos.  In retrospect, we should have packed the first way.  It took 2 weeks to find my knives.  Do you know how hard it is to cut chicken with a butter knife?  I still haven't found the lid to my large cooking pot, nor have I found my daughter's swim suit, the chip clips or the soy sauce.  Every time I get an area "set up", it winds up cluttered again in order to "set up" another area.  I'm hoping things will find their place by Christmas.  I think that might be wishful thinking, simply because life doesn't stop due to a move or any other crisis in life.  The dishes and laundry still need to be done.  Lice, diarrhea and dirt still happen.  Yet somehow the rooms need to be painted, boxes unpacked and put away and areas set up to look like a home and not a dorm room.  I suppose my next 30 day challenge could be to have things "pretty" by Christmas.  We'll see what life throws my way and I'll try to keep you posted!

Magnitude

I am overwhelmed at the magnitude this task has been.  I walked to the basement on at least 3 occasions in the past few weeks only to turn around and run back upstairs.  Up until about an hour ago you couldn't see the floor.  Piles and piles of clothes, dress-up, toys, trash, totes up the wazoo and more clothes.  I went down there about an hour ago with high hopes of finding my jeans as the weather is chilly these days.  I picked up the floor (clarification- I cleared a path on the floor.  You can actually see the floor, but it is still just a path.)  I made a pile of clothes I think my girls might like.  I bagged another bag of clothes I don't want anymore and clothes I know the girls don't want.  I moved on to my clothing bins.  I managed to downsize from 3 totes to 1, bagging the items I no longer want or need.  STILL NO JEANS!  I have no idea where I put them.  I did find a pair of brown pants that fit so I guess that's what I'll wear til I locate my missing pants. 
I'm also overwhelmed because my little decluttering challenge has turned into an urgent-I-don't-have-a-choice-anymore task.  I was informed recently that we are losing our house.  I don't care to go into all the details but I do know this:  WE HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF!  So now not only do I have to declutter, I have to pack as well.  Good grief, we cant go camping for 2 days without bringing 2 cars full of stuff, how am I going to pack to move? 
So, if you don't hear from me in the next couple months you can be sure I'm either bagging, boxing or passed out! 

9-10-11

Today is Riley's birthday!  After cleaning up after her sleepover party I tackled the living room.  I went through Tobin's clothes and blankets eliminating 2 totes worth.  I also bagged a bunch of clothes from our yard sale this summer.  I rearranged the living room a bit to make a bit more room.  I still need to go through Tobin's toys (it's amazing how many he has after only one year of life!)  We then went to the Renaissance Festival for the rest of the day.  I'm tired!  Tonight I will relax and drink a glass of wine!

September 7

It turns out one bag a day is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  The first hurdle is time, I have had very little extra the past week.  Emotions would also be a huge problem.  Why do we tie emotions to things?  They are just that, things.  They do not feel, they do not care and they don't hold the spirit of the person who gave it, played with it or looked at it.  I shouldn't care if that toy was once played with by one of my kids.  It doesn't make the toy worthy of taking up valuable space and time in my life.  Yet....it's still hard to part with things.  Tonight it is late and I still have to make lunches for my girls.  Tomorrow night we need to get ready for Riley's golden birthday party on 9-10-11.  I think I will try to get together a bunch of stuff for Savers on Saturday (I hope!) 
Some day it's all going to be gone anyway, why not get rid of it now?!

Getting rid of.....days 1-4

I kind of cheated for these first few days of September I brought 4 bags to Savers last weekend .  I have cleaning, lesson planning and school stuff to do this weekend so I probably won't be getting to any new bags of junk until next week.  I have 6-8 boxes on the deck that just need to be loaded up and brought somewhere.  I will try to get a bag of junk together this evening if I have the energy, otherwise I'm going to shoot for tomorrow after I clean the much neglected house. 

New 30 day challenge!

My house is a mess.  We are drowning in clutter.  Too much is what we have.  I have tried to declutter in the past to no avail.  It seems the harder I try, the deeper I fall into the clutter hole.  If I get rid of one bag per day I think I will accomplish several things.  First I will be putting very little energy into the project and thus not be as exhausted as I would be if I had spent 8 hours bagging and boxing up stuff.  Second I will be able to enlist the help of my fabulous daughters, either to help with the baby or to help purge (they also feel overwhelmed when we ask them to declutter).  Third I will be able to feel like I'm at least doing something and therefore not feel guilty about passing the piles of junk everyday.  And last but not least (I'm sure there are plenty of other reasons I just am tired and need to go to bed!)  I'm hoping the end result will be a more organized home with more usable space.  The plan will be to start September 1st.
PS.  I also plan to get back into eating healthier once school starts.

Trust

God is my help, my deliverer, my stronghold, my rock and my shield.  Psalms 46:1 and 18:2

It's easy to say, it isn't always easy to do.  I know God will take care of us during hard times.  Sometimes I have a hard time remembering to trust Him.  I place too much of my emotions and energy stewing and fretting about what people do when I should be placing my ALL in God. 

I haven't been eating very healthy lately.  I keep hoping I will wake up and suddenly desire to be healthy.  I also keep hoping I'll wake up one day and be the perfect Christian, wife, Mom etc.  I'm just so tired and spread so thin and issues arise and I just want to curl up in a little ball and go to sleep for a week and when I wake up I want the nightmare to be over.  DRAMA! 

I am blessed to have food in the fridge, 3 beautiful kids, a husband who has a full time job and much, much more.

I am thankful, I am grateful, I am blessed and I am learning to trust. 

Rhubarb crisp

I am excited to say I was able to make really yummy NO sugar rhubarb crisp.  Here's the recipe:

1 cup whole wheat flour
1/4 cup ground flax
3/4 cup whole rolled oats
1/2 cup melted coconut oil
1 T ground cinnamon
Mix the above ingredients until moistened and crumbly.  Press 1/2 in the bottom of a glass baking dish (8"/10")

Mix 1 cup cold water with 2 T corn starch until blended.  Add 3/4-1 cup honey and 1 tsp. vanilla and boil until thick (stir often so it doesn't burn.)

Place 4 cups diced fresh rhubarb (aprox. 1" chunks) on top of the oatmeal crust mixture.  Pour honey mixture over the rhubarb and top with the remaining crumb topping. 

Bake in a 350° oven for 45 minutes to an hour.  (When the crust is golden and the rhubarb is bubbly it's done!)

Enjoy warm with Purely Decadent Vanilla Bean ice cream- So yummy!!!!!

Too much

There's been too much in my life.  Too much sugar.  Too much junk food.  Too much not enough sleep.  Too much yelling.  Too much junk.  Too much laziness.  Too much.  I'm drowning in too much.  I'd like to remedy some of these too muches but am not sure how.  Suggestions?

Moderation

So far, I'm not doing very well in the moderation department.  I tried to declutter the porch today, to no avail.  We want to have a garage sale to help get rid of the "too much stuff and not enough storage space" problem we have.  The problem is we have no where to put the too much stuff in the mean time.  Trying to do all this while Tobin is crying or getting into things also makes for frustration.  I even didn't cook anything except pancakes this morning, and there is still a heap of dishes waiting for me, not to mention laundry and dirt.  How does a family of 5 downsize after 11 years of build up?  I just need to keep reminding myself that in 100 years, most of our stuff won't matter a hill of beans to anyone.  It will make everyone's life easier just to get rid of it now. 

Sorry today's blog has nothing to do with no sugar.  I did ok today, I had a couple leftover cupcakes in the middle of the day otherwise I didn't have sugar.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Reflections, struggles, thoughts and perspectives

It's time to reflect on what I've learned, my struggles and a few things to think about.
When we were doing the no-sugar challenge, people asked if I could feel any difference.  At the time I really didn't.  I think I am feeling differences now.  I feel crabbier/PMSier this month.  I seem to have more zits (seriously, I'm 42, could I be done already?)  among other issues.  While these could be caused by a general disregard for my diet, I do feel a large part of it has to do with my eating sugar again.
I did learn about and how I like to use the alternative sweeteners.  I like to bake cakes, muffins and cookies with honey.  I like baking bread with rice syrup.  My initial excitement over the coconut sugar quickly fizzled when it didn't produce baked goods to my liking.  We now use either maple syrup or agave nectar on our pancakes and waffles.  (Agave is a little cheaper.)  I love the grain sweetened chocolate chips and coconut ice cream we discovered.  While we esp. loved the agave sweetened gummy bears they seem to be unavailable.  Every co-op we go to says they are "temporarily unavailable" (this has been since before Easter, I'm not sure they're coming back-bummer.)  I bake bread each week so I can control the ingredients.  I never use sugar in any of my home baking or cooking.  (Unless someone orders a cake.) 
I am struggling with maintaining the no sugar challenge.  I'm not sure if it's laziness, weakness or giving up.  I think depending on the day it could be any of those and probably more.  For example, tonight my dog decided to chase after another dog across the street and came within inches of getting hit by a car.  I ended up going for a walk and bought a 1/2 gallon of Walgreens ice cream and fed the whole thing to my family (I think I was possessed by the sugar demon.)  So, apparently I need to go the extreme opposite of no sugar and just pour it directly into our mouths after I experience a traumatic event.  Ug!  Most days though, I just end up falling into old habits and patterns and end up eating mindlessly.  (Mindless Eating is a great eye-opening book by the way.) 
I've also been thinking about all I've read and learned and come to some conclusions.  Adam and Eve had it perfect.  They had the perfect vegetarian diet, the perfect amount of sun, the perfect appetite, exercise, relationships.......you get the idea.  Then it all changed when they chose to put their focus on themselves rather than God or each other.  It's been that way ever since.  Yes Jesus has redeemed us, but we still live in a fallen world.  Things will not be perfect again until there is a new Heaven and a new earth (and only God knows when that is.)  In the mean time we try to achieve "perfect".  This Dr. says "don't eat soy", that TV personality says "don't eat dairy, the other health guru says "eat vegan".......and on and on it goes.  I believe  there is truth to all of it but the Devil is a good liar and will distort the truth any time he can.  If you aren't careful you will end up being afraid to go to the grocery store for fear of a new conspiracy around every corner.  Which brings me to my perspectives.  
My Mom brought up a good point several years ago.  We have available foods that are better than much of the world.  We don't have to dig in trash cans for our next meal.  Our water is clean and even if money is tight there are still good food options available to us.  I feel like sometimes we get so fixated on what we can't or shouldn't have that we forget about the bounty available to us.  I do believe it is very important to eat the foods God intended for us to eat (which do not include fruit loops, processed-beyond-recognition meats etc.)  I believe God wants us to be healthy so we can do what it is He has planned for us to do.  I don't think getting fixated on the negative and bad aspects of food is the way to go about things.  I believe I can only do the best that I can do and the rest I will leave up to my Lord and Savior, Protector and Creator, Help and Comfort, God of the universe.  I'm certain He can handle it!
Hopefully some of my rantings made sense.  I am going to try once again to eat healthier.  I think I will have more success if I focus on that rather than restricting.  Moderation seems like a good challenge.  I could use moderation in several areas of my life.  I'll get back to you on that!

Memorial day

I tried a new waffle recipe today.  SO YUMMY!!!!  It's from passionatehomemaking.com.
You can find the recipe in the recipe index under blender waffles or pancakes.
This recipe was so simple and was met with many "These waffles are SO good!"  I used all brown rice and unsweetened almond milk.  I will for sure make these again!

Spinach artichoke dip

I got this recipe from June 2011 Clean Eating.

Preheat oven to 350°
1 1/2 Cups frozen cauliflower
4 oz less fat cream cheese
9-11 T low-fat milk, divided
Olive oil cooking spray
1 medium onion
3 cloves of garlic
1 10 oz box frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed to remove excess water
1 8 oz box frozen artichoke hearts, thawed and chopped
1/4 packed cup fresh dill sprigs, thick stems removed
1/2 tsp ground cayenne pepper, or to taste
5 scallions, chopped
2 oz reduced fat Monterey Jack or Mozzarella cheese, shredded (1/2 cup)
1/2 tsp salt

Cook cauliflower.  Process in a food processor the cauliflower, cream cheese and half the milk.  Puree until smooth.  Put mixture in a bowl.  Cook onions and garlic and process.  Add spinach, artichokes, dill salt, cayenne and milk.  Puree until mixture is spreadable.  Add this mixture to the cheese mixture add chopped scallions and stir until combined.  Put the mixture in an oven proof dish, top with the cheese cover with foil and bake for 20 minutes.  Remove foil and bake for 10 more minutes.  (Check out the actual recipe in the magazine.  I skipped a lot of their steps.)


I used a whole brick of cream cheese so the leftover half wouldn't get wasted.  I also used chives instead of scallions and added about 1/2 tsp. more cayenne.  (I probably could have used more.)  I used cheddar and parmesan.  I would like to try it with pepperjack or the monterey jack.  We used tortilla chips to dip, it would be really good with pita chips.